Peru Part 3: Harry Potter and the New Machu Pichu

We exited the boat and were offered a myriad of different options. Isable found one guy who was willing to take all of us on his truck to Tarapota (Harry Potter) from Yarimaguas and for a very cheap price as well. Bargain. What we did not count on was the additional company we would have. Ok let's have a look at this truck. It was a normal Ford van truck thingy with a flat back. The kind that people would use to collect your unwanted stuff in Britain. Now there were 10 of us if I remember correctly. Dave obviously had to extricate his bike for the last time and was thrilled to no longer have to cart it down the river. So 10 people plus the driver and his stooge. Twelve people. That's some weight. Then we all had out backpacks. Hefty load eh. You'd think the truck would struggle eh? You'd be right, but the driver was not satisfied. He wanted more. Why stop loading when some people can still breath. We rocked into a local village and they produced the most mammoth load of potatos/onions/weird fruits/little red shrunken heads. I have no idea what they were, but they were heavy and they were many. About 300 tons worth (NB slight exageration, but only slight). What the fuck were they and surely they can't be serious? I assume the truck was in training for the world's strongest truck competition and needed some extra practice. They unloaded a warehouse the size of Liverpool into a truck the size of my bath. Then they told us we could not have a discount and it was perfectly safe. In what world is this safe? The green zone of Baghdad maybe. Most of the sensible people were inside. Aussie Nick, Manuel, Helen and I were hanging off the back of the truck. It was a refreshing position as long as you did not think. Nick meanwhile was doing his best James Bond impression and hanging off the roof off the vehicle attached to the shrunken heads. He would swing round corners his legs flailing and I belive if Segal needs a replacement stuntman he is available. Now breath deep and don't focus. The driver would drive at the speed of a lunatic, we would scream round corners with the wheels barely clinging to the tarmac and the truck screaming in pain from the tension. Aussie Nick pointed out he thought we would be ok. I pointed out the tyres weer bald and if one blew we were dead, crushed by some onions on a Peruvian highroad. What a way to go. The truck was doing its best to hang on. It was here Aussie Nick told us a story about a couple of friends of his. He had been in a bus in Costa Rica, when the breaks had failed on a mountain pass (perfect timing for this story I agree). The driver had panicked and driven straight off the cliff. Both knew they were dead. Then by some miracle they landed on a house after plunging off a cliff. They went through the roof and landed safely. One member of the house got a broken leg, but everyone survived. Miraculous. One guy ended up goign home, scared out of his wits, while the other believes he is some sort of untouchable God. Funny how people take the same experience differently. We were hairing round the bends on this picturesque, windy, death trap of a road, when the sun dropped from the sky. Then screeching up behind us came a monstrous headlight. It was Dave. He was right behind us and trying to pass, but another car was blocking him. It was very James Bond esque as he tried to pass us and Nick tried to hang on with only a bobble hat protecting him from the cold. This ride continued for some time until eventually we made it to Harry Potter. Thank christ for that. Never again am I getting on a truck with some alien potatoes. Helen loved it meanwhile, but I think she may be nuts. We found many hotels with no room (not surprising given we were 11 people). When we eventually found some creepy Scooby Doo bunkhouse it had no hot water. I did not care and slept. At this point we lost Hannah and Sarah or the Predator killed them. It is the jungle after all. I will let you decide which is more likely. There is some weird drug think you can take down here that takes you with a shaman into a weird trance like state and you can apparently heal things that ail you. Can't remember its name for now, but as Sarah was leaving the story I figured I would tell her story. She was a ballet dancer who one day suffered both her knees collapsing. She was in agony for two years. Her first time to Peru or Ecuador she had tried it and in the trance had seen a dragon snake its way down her body and nestle in her knees. From then on she never had any more pain. She swears by the stuff. In contrast here is a story from Manuel. He took it and loved it for the trip alone, but friends of his have had bad shamans and either totally altered their personalities or turned zombie like, losing their faculties. Seems like a hit and miss, with a high risk, but definitely worth a shot if you have some serious ailment.

We grabbed breakfast and then took a bus to Pedro Ruiz. The locals here were very unfriendly in general. I have found that in the Andean countries. They tend to hate us foreigners unless they want our money. Also tourism is not their forte as can be seen in the abysmal level of customer service. We got to watch the WWE film 'The Condemned' and it was not too bad. Apparently there was a preacher man with chickens. Not sure what the hell that refers to, although its probably pretty self explanatory. Ah jesus yes. I had forgotten this. Afterwards we got a film with Xander from Buffy and there was a mental evil Pinata that went about killing spring breakers. I have no idea what this film is, but its perfect for our video nights and I did not even get to see the end. We took the safe car into town at Chachapoyas, while the others nearly died from their psycho driver. All the hotels were full again, but we got one big room for nine people and I cained a few people at chess before heading out to the bars. Only Mika has really proved worthy chess competition for me on this trip. Everyone else stayed in and Aussie Nick came down with a nasty stomach illness. The bar was not that great, so I stayed for one and went back to the hotel.

Hot water problems, awful service, unfriendly locals, but the breakfast on this morning would take the biscuit. They took ages to take the order and then proceeded to fuck it up monumentally. Stale rolls. Hmm. Tasty. The staff forgot to bring stuff. Then they forgot who had what. Then they broke stuff, spilt stuff and generally we had a Monty Python breakfast. This had been consistent all through Peru and in the evening they would forget what pizzas and charge us for phantom food. Dave is considering opening a hostel here as the locals have no clue whatsoever and the potential of the area is great. It would mean living in Peru though. He was even more convinced when we went to Kuelap the next day that the canyon would make a great river for a kayaking business. Nick and Hope stayed behind, but the other seven of us took a taxi tour out to see some of the outlying ruins. There were some ridiculous cliff drops, but again we seemed to bag the less insane taxi driver. They are not too expensive to hire for an entire day. We had to pick up the key to the site from one of the local shops. This place is yet to register with tourists and you could tell. Imagine having to pick up the key to get into the Eiffel Tower or something similar. We had opted to go and see some clifftop dwellings. The walk and having to let yourself in was cool. The ruins themselves were a bit on the shit side. Like a poor mans version of the Gila caves. There was a ridiculously risky bit where you hang out over the edge to scoot round a corner. Now I am afraid of heights and there was no way I was doing that for one more room with nothing that interesting. Manuel almost fell off trying and I figured for Machu Pichu yes. For this thing, no. Then we got our taxis to take us over to some small sacophagus head things. They were more impressive, but nothing jaw dropping. It was just nice to have parts of Peru to yourself, as I imagine the south (where coincidentally I am about to go when I finish here) will be crawling with non Spanish speaking school kids. We then had the aforementioned fuck up of a pizza meal and went clubbing with Helen and Nick. We did some dancing with some locals and aid workers and then turfed in.

The following day we opted to take a tour of Kuelap. I got the shits and wa suffering from some illness. Dave's knee went again. We were like the walking wounded. We were planning on visiting the ruins and then walking all the way down the mountain to base camp. The other did it and said it was awesome. Me and the French couple could not as we had to get back and grab a bus to Trujillo via Chiclayo. I was heading out a day early and some of the others would catch us later, but Dave was motorcycling south and would leave me and the Great White Slut to continue our journey. Was a shame as we had travelled with him for a long time. In the end Nick, Hope and other Nick left for the beaches. Either that or the others ate them, so we were down to five. Kuelap is a fortress on a hill that the locals are championing as the new Machu Pichu. It was pretty decent, but nothing approaching the best places in Central America and Mexico. I assume Machu Pichu will be superior. Its worth a visit, but probably not worth a detour. If you are looking for a non touristy part of Peru to enjoy the scenery and get pissed off by the substandard service, then this region is for you. Nice people but incompetent is what I wrote. Sounds about right. The windy road up to Kuelap is a death trap waiting to happen and I tried to sleep off the experience. Instead I inherited a really nasty ear infection. Apparently changing altitude while sick with a cold can do that to you. We set off for Chiclayo first and the French couple looked after me with some painkillers etc, but I was in agony and unable to sleep. We also got stuck for a long time on a random bend in the road. Some long truck had got stuck and it was impossible to go around them. We were there for about 2 hours precariously dangling off the cliff in an attempt to pass and I was quite tempted to leave the bus. We may indeed have done that, but my sleepless pain left me a little groggy, especially as I was on sleeping tablets. It was like a surreal jigsaw of trucks, where failure to put a piece in the right slot would result in death. Anyway the bus stopped many times, it even broke down and we were stopped because the driver did not have the correct paperwork. He was illegal. We had to turn back. Then half an hour later miraculously we could continue. I assume some money changed hands. Eventually we limped into Trujillo, only about 3 days later than advertised.