Peru Part 5: Trujillo, Huaraz and Lima

It was dark and long. Luckily a van driver pulled over and took me for free to the border post, because he told me it was too dangerous for me to stay there. We had to wait a really long time for a taxi to Tumbes on the other side. Some random guy got chatting with me and eventually we managed to get a car after staying by the police for protection. He accompanied me to the bus terminal (which I oddly remembered) and I got a ticket to Trujillo for that night. Last seat on the bus. I needed a shower, but I figured the next day I would finally be back on the road to new places. I got to watch a John Cena film where he is a cop chasing some Irish criminal and got really crap sleep on my way to Trujillo.

The morning film was 'Traitor' with Don Cheadle. Good film I saw in Houston. I arrived in the city of my earache smelling like wee. I walked a lot and got given shit directions. I finally found the bus station for Huaraz and it would be another night bus. Great. I used my credit card to draw money and after more shit directions I eventually found a laundrette to wash my clothes. They were fresh and I was rank, so I kept the older clothes on for now. I got a chip for my phone and the girl at the movistar counter was quite cute. Went to see 2012 at the cinema. I thought it was good. Made me cry a lot. Maybe I am getting sentimental a bit. I took the night bus to Huaraz. I was in all sorts of trouble. Had picked up that stomach infection again and could not sleep between visits to the toilet and head pains. Was a nasty night and left me wiped out after two shit nights of sleep.

I met an Irish girl and guy in the bus station and he had a hostel that was recommended to him so we went there. I got a shower, but I needed some shampoo. At least I did not smell of wee anymore. This hostel was called Caroline Lodging I think. Awesome place. Free breakfast, beds are decent, but the people are great. They went out and bought me medication for my stomach, they went and got my dinner for me and when I woke up late on the second day they did a special breakfast and tea just for me as I was ill. Best service I have ever had from a hostel. Very highly recommended place. We had arrived early so I went out to Chavin de Huantar ruins. Lonely Planet says its a two hour bus ride, but its 3.5 and over dangerous roads. I chatted with a guy all the way there in between sleeping. I wrote 'bit crap, missed entrance again, hate buses on mountain roads, useless people, crazy driver, tried not to shit myself.' Kind of sums up the trip succinctly. It was a bit of a waste of a journey and I have yet to see any impressive ruins in Peru. Everyone talks about them, but I fail to see it. Compared with Mexico and Guatemala they are shit. Hopefully Machu Pichu changes that. I literally did have to avoid shitting myself though. The gas kept building up and building up. I kept retaining it with more and more pain until we arrived thankfully just before I exploded. I was even considering shitting on the bus, such was the pain. Liverpool were happily knocked out of the Champions League. Hopefully we do that to them next season. The Irish guy had picked up diarroeia as well and all of us went to sleep early and I settled in for a long sleep. I had planned to visit the lakes, but that was always off the agenda once I got really sick.

Both myself and the Irish guy could not make it the next morning so we stayed behind and chatted all day. Interesting guy. Had spent time in the Irish army and had some good stories. We went out and grabbed coffee and figured we might meet up in Cuzco as he was going hiking and I was going down the coast for a few days. The Irish girl came back and she was not going to make the trek and was instead heading for Argentina, so she was setting off for Lima. I had booked another night bus (3 in 4 days in not smart) with the expensive company Cruz Del Sur. I was sick so needed it. Trekking looked beautiful up there in Huaraz but I had missed it due to being very very sick. Irish guy said his trek was shit. Don't know why yet. Huaraz the town looks in contrast like a victim of an air raid. Cute it is not. Kind of the same as Gracias in Honduras, which Lonely Planet also strangely likes. The bus was impressive as I tried to sleep, but watched 'Curious Case of Benjamin Button' again in Spanish. They had 'Beautiful Mind' somewhere. Maybe on the way to Ica. Anyway I was stuck next to another FPW (Fat Peruvian Wanker). These creatures ferquent buses and other small places, where they are really too large to go, before pissing you off with their persistant retardedness. Seemingly highly resistant to intelligence, they fall prey easily to their own innate stupidity. Avoid if possible and please don't feed. They´ve had enough already.

Two weeks later than originally planned I arrived in Lima. I was yet to see an impressive Peruvian city. Lima was that. Not amazing, but miles better than what I had seen before. Why do all travellers and Lonely Planet hate big cities. I can imagine Lonely Planey England now.

London: Avoid this city. Its dangerous. There is a distinct possibility that you could be exposed to culture and overwhelmed by choices of night life. It is therefore best to stay in the neighbourhood of Hackney (That way hopefully you will be attacked and hate big cities like us). We have demonstrated time and again our inordinate ability to never find good nightlife zones of a city so we will recommend Leicester Square. Avoid tourists in the National or Tate galleries and instead head to blind al's back alley gallery for some local culture. You can buy authentic indigenous clothing at a variety of adidad tracksuit centres and outside of football stadiums.ç

Watford: Visit this glorious traditional town. No mind if the locals are braindead and the city looks like a bomb site, its authentic and noone will be there until we write about it. You can sample a traditional wetherspoons and learn local dialect as you integrate with thew locals. Transport links are great and you can go hiking in UNESCO Cassiobury Park. Shop for local 'chav' merchandise in the Harlequin Centre and then partake in the traditional saturday night beat up the foreigner celebrations (beware of flaunting your tourist credentials). This town is picturesque and charming (read boring and uninteresting).

Fuck Lonely Planet. I have given up on them except for maps. I wrote here that Peruvian women are like Monet paintings. They look better the further away you get. Its true but a little harsh. After 3 weeks in this country I finally saw some that were good looking. Not amazing, but decent enough. The Pacific Ocean waterfront is really cool and the colonial old town has some nice buildings. They had a crap band playing at the palace and the main gallery was shut. I found and visited a small gallery of Italian art which was quite cool. Brenda had not answered her phone in the morning so I had checked into a hostel. I finally bought some long needed multivitimans and slept in the afternoon. Lima is a nice little city. There was a Canadian nurse who was a typical Canadian. We chatted for a fair bit. Then I went to Brenda's house, out to a bar and back again. I drank some beer and got numbness in my lips and tongue wherever it touched. That was worrying. They have a tiny cat. She had a German and some guys from Bahamas staying with her and the German guy came back hammered. I went back to my hostel.

In the morning I woke up feeling awful despite drinking only two glasses of beer. The Canadian nurse says it was from my allergy and I really need to stop drinking. Makes sense. It looks like it is getting quite dangerous now so I decided to give up for my health and so I don't die as she says it takes only 6 minutes to die from an attack. Nasty. I moved to Brenda's place and would stay there for the friday night. We all stayed in the house chatting. Was quite a big gathering. The guys from Bahamas, the German and me went for a cheap lunch. I told them I was friends with the American guy who had eaten the iguana there and they remembered it. I then went for coffee with one of the guys from the Bahamas. He told me he had been hunting with Mike Huckabee and he was as good a guy as he seemed. I like Huckabee. It would also be cool to go hunting with him and the guy from the Bahamas reckons its possible if I am in Arkansas. That night we went clubbing in a lot of shit bars. I don't think these guys knew where to go and they did not want to pay any entrance fees. That gyponess seems to run through a lot of Peruvians. So they end up in crap places. Eventually me and the guy from the Bahamas (only other person not drinking) went off on our own at 3am and found a few cool places. At 4.30am most places had shut and we headed for another bar. The guy in front was charged 15 soles. I said how much and they told me 30. Fuck them. I told him I heard him say 15 for the other guy and he said ok 20. Fuck these wankers. They always think they can fuck foreigners in the arse. We grabbed some food and headed back to the flat. I did not sleep as I had to get a bus just 1 hour later to Ica for the sandboarding competition.